What Pops Up When You Show Up

I don’t know if it’s the pandemic (can I still blame everything on the pandemic?), but I had a hard time getting into Lent and Easter to this year. I felt detached from the rituals and rhythms of the season, focused on the practicalities and plans of making the season meaningful while my spirit lingered somewhere else (probably back in 2020 where I left my last good night of sleep). 

I wanted to enter into the most solemn and sacred season of the church year with the usual gravity and anticipation, but honestly, I just felt a bit “meh.” Especially when we got to Holy Week, I wanted to be eager to experience its emotional and spiritual journey. Instead, it felt like the best I could do was show up.

So I showed up for the foot washing and Eucharist of Maundy Thursday. I showed up for the gospel chanting, solemn collects, and stations of the cross on Good Friday. I showed up for the lighting of the new fire at the Easter Vigil, and the boisterous proclamation of the resurrection on Sunday.

And as we laid Jesus’ body and blood on the altar of repose, I was gutted. The first proclamation, at night in a candlelit church, that Christ was risen made my heart flutter. The brass and timpani and grand organ accompaniments to favorite Easter hymns filled the church with jubilant sound and my spirit with the oil of gladness.

Somehow, when I showed up, God still worked Her way in. It wasn’t magical or all-encompassing. But there were surprising, breathtaking moments where, despite my distraction, languishing, or general “meh”ness, God still broke through and, frankly, showed off a bit. 

I’ve received this wisdom many times over the years from teachers in both the church and the studio. You probably have, too. Whether it’s your prayer practice or your ballet practice, you aren’t always going to be eager or inspired to do it. (If you *haven’t* yet had a day where you’ve said to yourself “I just don’t waannnnna,” please call me immediately and tell me your secret.) All teachers worth their salt will remind you that the point isn’t to wait until you want to, but to simply show up, whether you want to or not. 

I didn’t think I needed to be reminded of this simple, time-tested truth. But I did. Maybe you do too. It’s really amazing what pops up when you show up!