First Position: “Always we begin again”
7:00 a.m. The alarm goes off, and my mind hazily starts to distinguish the difference between asleep and awake. I realize that I probably did not, in fact, just interview Barack Obama while somehow simultaneously running a summer camp. As I start to realize where I am and what I’m waking up to, my mind shifts quickly to the day before me: “Tuesday. Staff meeting at 10. Don’t forget to reply to Martha’s email. Did I go food shopping? No. Crap. Why didn’t I go food shopping yesterday?” And, inevitably, I remember yesterday: a day my anxiety rendered me rather unable to carry out the extensive to-do list I’d crafted for myself. I reminded myself about stress-eating junk food and spending 3 hours trying to find the right desk for my home office, having finally admitted that working from home wasn’t going away anytime soon. I thought: there you go again, Julie. You got nothing done, and you made bad choices the entire day. What a failure of a human being you are.
This pattern of thinking is practically subconscious at this point in my life. But so too is my morning practice of prayer and meditation. And as I shoved all those negative thoughts aside for a moment and turned to my daily prayer, I remembered: I have a choice. I can carry all of that leftover junk into today and start my day off with yesterday’s feelings… or, I can begin anew. After all, today is a new day.
Of course, that is so much easier said than done. More often than not, it seems my life is an accumulation of yesterday’s shortcomings rather than than an anticipation of the possibilities and renewal a new day can bring.
Saint Benedict is famous for his saying: “Always we begin again.” The Rule of Life he wrote for his monastic order outlined a spiritual life grounded in starting anew, from the beginning, every day. It’s like a constant refrain of, “Let’s start from the very beginning, a very good place to start.”
One thing I’ve learned from a career in teaching is that not many people, regardless of age, enjoy being a beginner. There is something deep within folks that wants to be “good” at something already, to master a skill quickly and easily. I don’t think that’s because people want to skip the work, though. I think it’s because it doesn’t feel good to be faced with your own limitations or perceived shortcomings. Given the choice of stumbling, falling, and making mistakes - all the imperfections that come with practicing a new skill - or stepping away, a lot of folks choose to step away.
First position in ballet is the most foundational, “start-from-here” stance a dancer assumes. Yet it isn’t a position only for beginners. Even the most advanced dancers often begin class with exercises from first position. That’s because there’s actually so much IN first position. It’s not just about where your feet go. It’s about the alignment of the whole body. It’s feeling your rotator muscles engaging from under the hips and holding the leg in turnout. It’s pulling your tailbone under to form a neutral pelvis. It’s elongating the spine and tucking the chin. It’s feeling the top of your head reaching toward the ceiling.
I thought about my choice as I sat up in bed and started my morning prayer. As my body adjusted, I felt my feet naturally fall into first position. And I heard St. Benedict: “Always we begin again.”
The truth is, “always beginning again” isn’t about stepping backwards. It’s about keeping your foundation strong.
I think this is why St. Benedict stressed the importance of staying a spiritual beginner, and the same reason ballet classes start their exercises in first position. We align ourselves anew and keep the foundation strong. We make the choice to leave yesterday’s junk behind. Today, after all, is a new day. We begin again.
How do you feel when you return to first position? How does the phrase “always we begin again” sit with you? Leave a comment and let me know!